Leaf in The Storm

Argument

2012-01-16T15:56:00.000+08:00

Common Interest :

Yes, it's true that we don't have much in common. We are like two people from different sides of the world yet somehow are lucky enough to meet. The differences are infinite yet the things we have in common are so few.

But I do not think that this is a good enough reason to reject a relationship that you can be happy in... Isn't life all about learning and trying new things? Don't you think life can be just a little more exciting if you are with a person who does not do all the same things as you do?

I think you already know this but things change. Interests change. People change. What if one day the guy you think is the same with you changes, and you don't? What happens if you change one day, and he doesn't?

I'm guessing you think that having the common interest will help keep the relationship alive therefore keep the feelings true. But i feel that, its the other way around. Its being in love, then learning to accept who or what your partner is, and next what he or she might become...

So yes, we have a lot of differences, but the 1 thing we might have in common which is the most important is that we have feelings for each other... It won't be easy, but nothing worth it ever is.

2. Friends
On this, you have always made your feelings pretty clear. As far as i know, you dislike the group of girls i hang out in secondary school, correct? But other then this, you mostly dislike Meng Yen right? Because honestly, i don't see you not getting along with the other girls, other then Chong Yee which is the same type as Meng Yen. Please let me know if this is untrue.
(The other girls such as Lai Yan, June Yi, Wai Mun and Yeng Sze.)

So let me tell you something, none of us, including the girls, have never been at some time unhappy or pissed at Meng Yen. She's bossy, gets unhappy at even the littlest things and really likes thing done her way. We guys when alone have talked about her before and sometimes the girls to. But what we realised and i hope you would to is that, she after all this time hangs out more with people older then her because of her brother. Due to that and reading peoples blogs, she already she knows what she wants in life and what she wants to do. She holds her own opinions strongly, works hard when there's a job to do and expects the same from everyone. But when there's no work, she can sometimes be the only girl in class who knows how to have fun, hang out and have conversations with. In short she's kinda like a wall, that is hard when we push hard, but soft if u know how to push softly. (Dumb example i know, but its what i got)

So being guys that we are, we tolerate her, make jokes with her and be happy when she's ok. Or just leave her alone when she's pissed. Sometimes she pulls one of us to complain and complain so we sit and listen because thats what friends do. Some people like you and me keep it inside, people like her talks to people about it.

Lastly, do you know any uncles and aunties who friends from both sides mix with each other? It normally doesn't happen. The husband might mix with the wife's friends and the wife might do the same, but normally friends from either side will not normally be good friends unless you already come from the same group.

Its something like Aaron's party 2 years ago, when he also called his friends from Puchong A to the party. I'm not really sure but the 2 schools did not mix much did they?

3. Responsibility
On this, I also agree with you that being in a relationship demands an amount of responsibility from but is really that much until you cannot afford to be happy? In the future, you'll still be working, or studying, doing your house chores, learning new instruments won't you? Does this mean unless you're not working or studying you're not gonna be in a relationship? Even a housewife has to get married before becoming a housewife... I understand that you have a major exam this year, i really do, so i understand your reason for wanting to wait another year, but I just want you to know that holidays get lesser and lesser as you get older. So when are you gonna have time for another person in your life?

I'll also like to ask you, is it being with me too much a responsibility for you? Do you think I'll take too much of your time or get angry when i don't? I would just really like to know what you think of me. Think first, decide, then carry on reading...

For a person who knows what it feels like to not have you, he will know the difference between not having you, and too busy to reply a message so replies later. I have no idea what i might be like in the future, but right now i feel like an sms saying "busy now, reply later sorry, <3" and meaning it would be all I need to wait for you. Even if later, you're in a good mood, i might merajuk a bit to play with you also or just accompany you when you're not. Or you're tired you could just tell me and i will understand. i might not be happy, but i won't take it out on you because its what i want to do...

I'm in university as well, so its not like I will be waiting for you the entire day. I might be busy as well, hopefully you can do the same for me....

4. Your mum
This is the only thing i cannot argue you with. I am who i am, if your mother doesn't like me, i am just so very sorry. I might change in the future, but for now i can only hope for your mum to like me as she gets to know me.

5. Relaxing??
relaxing is soooo not the word i was hoping for but, at least is something. x) makes me feel like ogawa...

thoughts?

This is true...

2012-01-13T20:14:00.002+08:00

How true...

2012-01-09T21:41:00.001+08:00

Well that was fast...

2012-01-09T08:38:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I'd just like for u to just prove me wrong... you know.

Not prove me right every single time...

Feelings my ass...

I'm sorry...

2012-01-04T16:53:00.000+08:00

Yesterday really it was me who saw wrong.
I thought i actually saw that you were to be in a relationship this year 2012...
Didn't see your blog post title...

I tell you...
after for 2 weeks thinking it will be this year.
then finding out i actually have to wait 1 more whole year...
Is not a very nice feeling.
for a while there was very surprise you could actually ask me to wait for another whole year..
I keep thinking last night bout the amount of heartache i can collect in 1 year...
especially when in a month also can kinda sakit hati abit here abit there...
even worse this is actually when u say u have feelings for me.
what happens when u lost it. what am i supposed to do...

Then i keep thinking...
right now when u just have feelings for me
the feelings are the strongest,
you wanna remain just friends,
you wanna wait it out,
let the time and feelings go to waste,
let the small chance of happiness, get even smaller.

and what reason do you give me?
you dont have enough time for a relationship right now.
that u could actually give me a reason like this...is one of the main reason why i was so really very pissed yesterday.

Do you actually expect your feelings to last a whole year?
honest to yourself?
When u had a boyfriend you really love, thought was the one...
and still couldn't do it...
or is it just another excuse to tell yourself to escape again.
I'm sorry if I'm a little harsh,
but i wish to be honest with you and this is what thats really going on in my heart.

Is not just you, u think i didn't have fun this pass month?
maybe not as much as you, because i was so scared...
but i was really happy as well...
then i got a little hope.
now i'm not sure where all of it went...

everytime now, i think of you...
makes me feel sad and angry...
partly because it was really my fault that i saw wrong,
partly because i had hope that now practically dissapeared,
partly because of you who could actually dare to ask me to wait another year,
mainly because...

in the back of my heart, i think i would...

If I had any guts...

2011-10-10T15:51:00.001+08:00

You say...

2011-09-18T12:34:00.000+08:00

You say that you love rain, but you open your umbrella when it rains. You say that you love the sun, but you find a shadow spot when the sun shines. You say that you love the wind, but you close your windows when wind blows. This is why I am afraid, you say that you love me too.” - william shakespeare

2011-06-08T01:47:00.000+08:00

I WONDER WHY YOU DID IT, DID YOU EVEN DO IT ON PURPOSE, OR NOT KNOWINGLY JUST LEFT IT THERE.. WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO THINK, WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO...

WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO FEEL...

I'D SERIOUSLY LIKE TO HEAR YOUR ANSWER FOR THIS ONE...

Jealousy

2011-03-19T00:12:00.000+08:00

Nothing but a bitter feeling that makes me wanna throw up, spit everything out, and end whatever thats left...

No mood at all...

Me, The Simple Idiot Guy

2011-01-03T20:53:00.001+08:00

2011-01-01T23:18:00.000+08:00

What can i say, I'm stupid that way.
Most times i'm content if stupid means being loyal.

Sometimes though, anger can kick in out of nowhere, for the simplest reasons.
This is one of those times...

My Life, Gods play house

The Answer Is No

2010-11-11T14:10:00.000+08:00

I'll Be There - Jackson 5

2010-10-23T23:19:00.002+08:00

Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter

Togetherness, well that's all I'm after

Whenever you need me, I'll be there

I'll be there to protect you, with an unselfish love that respects you
Just call my name and I'll be there

If you should ever find someone new, I know he'd better be good to you
'Cause if he doesn't, I'll be there
Don't you know, baby, yeah yeah
I'll be there, I'll be there, just call my name, I'll be there

I didn't tell you this the other day because i guessed you'd be tired of listening to it already...

But I'd just like to say that, i agree with you... As a normal, typical, simple guy. Too short hair = not really nice

Yet even with such a hairstyle, you still manage block my throat, stop my breath, warm my blood and give me butterflies...

Even with such a hairstyle, you still manage to be the prettiest and most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my short life.

I know I've told you differently in the past so you most likely will not believe this, and i cannot do anything about it, other then to tell you that I wasn't lying then, and i'm not lying now...

I have no idea how to explain this, but when i see girls now. I only look at how they look like for 3 seconds, before thinking about the person underneath it all. No matter how long I've known the person. Looks can be changed, personality not so easy.

I do this probably because of lessons from past events, knowing how big the difference between the surface and the underneath can be.

So, you, listen here. I know that i am not that attractive on both accounts, but I won't lie about something like this. Not to you. You really are the prettiest girl i know, but that is nothing compared to the beauty I'm attracted to underneath the shell and wall you cover yourself with...

Just my feelings...

Love...

2010-10-17T13:27:00.001+08:00

Perfection, caused by imperfection....

because sometimes life can get pretty boring dead...

Flame...

2010-10-16T21:44:00.002+08:00

Well that just went up in flames...

That in all honesty was an accident. An accident that happen at the most inappropriate moment after i just said to leave you alone.

Sounds like a weak joke, but really. I didn't mean to click that button. Of course i was just playing with it. But i would have never pressed it on purpose...

Regretted doing it alot...

Question...

2010-10-15T21:33:00.002+08:00

Anybody who reads this think I'm too spineless and gutless to go out and fight for the girl I want?

If you said yes, 2 months ago i would have did something brave and most likely stupid right there and then to prove you wrong.

Right now, however is a different story all together...

Right now, I'd agree with you.

Right now, I feel a certain cold run down the spine of my back every time i think of doing something related with you...

Right now, I'm just too damn scared to do anything anymore.

Because I don't want to have to go through anything of what I had to go through during the past month again. I don't want to feel so depressed I just go numb and stop functioning completely. I'm afraid of just lying down face up on my bed staring at the fan for a few hours, hoping something might just come and end it all.

I already hate myself when I'm like that, I just don't want to lose my other friends by always acting that way around them. Right now they're my only lifeline...

You cut of all connections you had with me.

I gave my best shot at trying to patch things up. My efforts were worth crap. Fair enough, you did what you think is right and I'm not exactly known for my charming and tam-ing skills.

You asked me not to assume or expect anything.

That I cannot do because its has already become a habit in my everyday life. However I've learnt to keep whatever i assume to myself and do nothing whatsoever about it to respect what you want plus to stop acting like an asshole.

So........

I created this blog to send messages to you but also more importantly to just express myself to nobody in particular... So let be my old, coward, perasan self again...

What i really wanted to say is, no matter how much i want to do differently. I'm gonna try my best to stay out of your life. The one and only reason being I truly believe that it's what you want. You put me through a very convincing experience.

Actually, what i do and don't believe doesn't really matter squat to you does it? You made it quite clear to me you wanted nothing to do with me. And the stubborn tiny little thing you are won't give in no matter what...

But by the smallest, slimmest or tiniest little chance you want to talk to me again. I'm really sorry, but you in all seriousness cannot expect me to try and talk to you again after what you did the last time i tried. Or the time before that.

So, unless you take an initiative (something i find very attractive in a girl) to show me a little more then the slightest hint... We are where we will be, till the end of time.

Because ultimately, thats how long my feelings will last for you... No matter how deep i bury it, how much i tell myself differently or how much i try to distract myself.

p/s : if you really do feel so, *sigh* i guess the only thing i can wish for is a good single life or a girl who can love a guy who loves her but also have feelings for another... Nah, i think the second one is out.... Haha. single life it is then...

Sometimes...

2010-10-14T21:15:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, really, i wish i could change myself...

Not be so pathetic, not be so depressed all the time.

But those times really don't last too long...

The depression and sadness stays.

But the change, not really...

In The End,

the person i am now, is the person i wanna be.

Who I've always wanted to be.

I've always believed that

as long as a guy does his job,

respects his parents,

treats his friends good,

care for the family,

makes his choices without looking back,

be responsible for his stuff,

live happily more then healthily,

and lastly,

loves and be loyal to his woman...

The guy gets through life at the most happy.

This is the guy I've always wanted to be since i was young.

Others have jobs as their ambitions,

I have the person i want to become as mine.

The person I am trying to be now,

The person I plan to be in the future.

If i live and leave my life as this person.

No matter what i have to go through in life,

no matter what i miss out in living.

I'll die without regrets...

I am and always will be,

a self-righteous bastard.

A person who in the main,

doesn't give a crap about what others think or do,

unless it affects me.

As long as i live how i want,

because i believe how i live is right.

Nothing Left....

2010-10-14T19:29:00.002+08:00

Been silent for a while now...

Nothing left to write.

Think of you no less, but thats all I have left...

Only memories.

Only that, with my imagination... And knowing your choice...

That it lets me rise from my bed in the morning...

and allows me to get through the night.

Honestly... I feel so damn pathetic.

You have no problem getting on with your life...

Being loyal really sucks.

I WANT CHANGE!!!

Obviously...

2010-10-08T12:52:00.002+08:00

I went to school today, obviously not to see you because I haven't seen you in 3 days and obviously did not miss you so crazily...

Surely I went to school just to waste time because i'm bored to death and uncomfortable at home.

What you wanted to hear right?

Making it up as we go along...

2010-10-06T14:42:00.000+08:00

2010-10-01T13:27:00.000+08:00

Maybe one day... Will i really have a chance to be free again...

2010-09-29T14:33:00.001+08:00

No heart to live.

No heart to love.

No heart to lie...

Hate And Love... Not 50 50 of each... 100 of each

2010-09-26T12:02:00.002+08:00

One can say,

their vows to be single for a period of time.

But to discover your One

is a matter of luck and God's will.

One can be celibate as long as they want,

using it but as an excuse.

To shell up the heart

from all the pain and misery.

No matter what promises

you may have made in the past.

Once a good match comes,

they disappear like ashes to the wind.

And then no matter what you do.

the name maybe still single.

The heart and the body are not,

already claimed by another so quickly.

By an apprentice of the sort.... Maybe.

I hate you with all my heart, for all the misery I had to endure.

because i'm not willing to take all the blame already, even though it may be my fault.

But the damn thing is that I still love you with all my heart also...

Damn thorn in my heart,

how i wish i could remove it.

But right there it does the least pain,

to remove it is to tear the heart open.

And the blood and tears will flow

Is That All That I Have Left To Expect....

2010-09-23T20:18:00.002+08:00

This afternoon, had a dream that you came into for about 5 minutes... Maybe, not really clear on the time when I'm dreaming...

Well, I dreamt that you were looking as beautiful as usual but you were in a Strawberry-coloured Dress.

Yummy...

But alas, even in my dreams, you were still ignoring me.
Even in my escape from the world, there is no escape from heartache.
Escape from you...

Is this all thats left of us? I can't expect anything more from the girl I love more then my own life.

Only time will tell now won't it... Whether it all has a meaning or not in the end.

Pimples Popping...

2010-09-23T13:35:00.001+08:00

Breakeven - The Script...

2010-09-19T22:02:00.002+08:00

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

What am I suppose to do
When the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh
'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break
No it don't break, no it don't breakeven, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)

Oh, it don't breakeven, no

Just how i felt when u deleted me from facebook...

2010-09-18T23:14:00.002+08:00

Probably tired of hearing (or reading =..=) this already now....

I won't get tired of saying this, but rather i didn't have to....

I really miss you...

Love you lots

2010-09-17T21:35:00.004+08:00

Another cold lonely night.

I've already had a week full of this and i'm damn sick of them...

But this is what i have, since the only person i want to talk to has no wish to acknowledge that i'm even alive.

Gods, i wish i can talk to you... But thats too much too hope already isn't it.

I said i'd stop making you feel guilty and all that.

Seriously considering breaking that word now because i'm so damn desperate and needy.

I'd do whatever and anything i could to get you back if i thought remotely possible it would work.

and screw everything bout giving you up because i love you and want you to be happy.

I do love you and i do want you to be happy. But i want you to be happy with me.

I wanna see your smile, I wanna hear your laugh, I wanna see you being playful, I wanna see you stick your tongue out at me, I wanna look into your eyes when you're happy and tell you i love you.

I wanna let you see that you can be happy with me, I wanna make you happy...

Having every confidence that i can do so...

I love you with every fiber of my being, and i want to you to be happy with me,

2010-09-14T18:28:00.003+08:00

Could you just stay with me?

What for?? Look at us, we're already fighting!

Well that's what we do!! We fight!!

You tell me when I'm being an arrogant son of a @#$%

and I tell you when you're being a pain in the ass.

Which you are. 99% of the time.

I'm not afraid to hurt your feeling. They have like a 2 second rebound rate

and you're back doing the next pain in the ass thing.

So What?

So its not gonna be easy, its gonna be really hard.

And we're gonna have to work at this everyday,

but I want to do that because I want you.

I want all of you, forever,

you and me, everyday...

Similars coexist together,

But opposites are what make life worth living.

The only question is, are you willing to work for it?

Oh Who Am I Kidding...

2010-09-13T22:25:00.003+08:00

No matter what you do to me,

No matter how much you may hate me.

No matter how cold you are to me,

No matter what reason you may have.

No matter if you have nothing to say to me,

No matter if you block or reject me.

I'm not going to forget you,

Never gonna stop loving you,

Will never fail to think about you everyday,

Not going to stop caring of you,

Will always wonder where you are, what you are doing, how are you, and are you happy.

And another thing is for sure now.

I will never want to stop feeling this way towards you...

I do not know if this is possible, I may not be your other half.

But you are definately my better half.

我爱你。一生一死。

Time Log : 6.55

2010-09-10T18:52:00.001+08:00

Event : Dinner is over, hugs and goodbyes have been made. now i am at home, alone with my dad.

Thus begins my 10 days....

Time Log : 5.25

2010-09-10T17:08:00.002+08:00

Event : Mum and sis has just left the house, this will be the last time they are in the house for 10 days. We will now journey to Puchong Utama to have bah kut teh. After that, is only a matter of time before the shock wears off and the missing sets in. Then i'll be all set to go through the week.

The New Leaf

2010-09-09T18:25:00.001+08:00

I'm sorry, at this moment, I am really sorry.

But for once, this apology is not directed to you,

To you, I feel, i may not have done my very best, but i done what i could.

If you cannot accept it, this is the reason i'm sorry for.

I try to do what i could,

I live by my own set of rules.

This is my way of life...

If you want to hate me,

for how i see things and live.

So be it.

The reason i fell in love with you, as i only recently discovered. Is that because you are different. Not just different from other girls, but more importantly.

You're different from me.

You see this as something which is not good....

I see this as a blessing.

As i write this, i'm smiling sadly to myself. Right here is proof that you and I are different. And it really makes me sad.

But you have clearly made your choice, so for once. I want to try making a different choice, different from every single choice i have made for the past 4 years. Maybe you'll be happier for this. Maybe we both will...

Old feelings, like dried leaves

wither away and fall to the ground.

Let the midnight rain wash it all away

So that when dawn comes, new ones can be found.

ENTER : THE NEW LEAF

Truth, or Lie

2010-09-08T23:43:00.002+08:00

If you could spit even that out.

Then I can see you are really serious about what you are doing...

From the bottom of my heart, i really hope you don't regret it.

I'll always love you,

but you just forfeited my friendship and insulted everything we ever been through.

Whether you were just playing or not,

the last straw was picked and burnt.

Do What You Will

2010-09-08T20:25:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry,

go ahead and hate me,

go ahead and play your games,

go ahead and do what you think is right.

If you still wanna trample them, i have nothing to say

You know where I am,

You know how i feel about you,

You can imagine how i feel bout you doing this,

Do what you will...

Just The Way You Are... Bruno Mars

2010-09-07T22:30:00.003+08:00

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her nails, her nails
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know
Id never ask you to change
If perfect is what you're searching for
Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are
Girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

If it was me, I'd change the lyrics just a little bit though...

It wouldn't be just the way you are,

It would be no matter what you are,

As long as it is you, no matter how you look, how fat you are, how chubby, how rounded, how skinny, or how ugly.

As long as it is you....

You're beautiful.

Days Roll By, Time Just Passes, Where has Everything Went?

2010-09-06T16:49:00.003+08:00

Alone...

Depressed...

Lying on the bed,

looking at the fan spin.

The only thing i'm doing,

Is wondering how's everything been?

Turning and tossing,

Can't seem to get comfortable.

Just feel the sleeping,

Is the only escape available.

Dead feeling on my chest,

Doesn't want to go away,

What you did maybe for the best,

I hope you realize you're wrong 1 day.

2010-09-02T18:38:00.003+08:00

I don't know...

I don't know what to think anymore....

I don't know how to act anymore....

I don't know what to say anymore...

Stun duration : Forever?

I just finished reading The Notebook today.

I don't know why i feel the book has some similarities with my life...

Though only the sad and tragic ones,

the happy occurrences, have all been avoiding me.

"My daddy used to tell me 'the first time you fall in love it changes your life forever, and no matter how hard you try, the feelin' never goes away. This girl you been tellin' me about was your first love. And no matter what you do, she'll stay with you forever."

Somehow, it feels nice to have experienced this in my early years...

Given a choice, i wouldn't have had it any other way,

In a heartbeat, i would choose to fall in love with you despite knowing what i would have to go through.

Because,

you, this past few years, haven't just been a chapter or a part of my life...

You have been my life, what i do, what i say, how i act, you have always been a conscious thought at the back of my head....

Thinking how you would react, what you would say, and the lucky times I've been answered,

I would always be surprised by your response... That, i always loved...

So, since you disallowed me, to do anything concerning you at all.

Whatever thoughts i have, feelings i experience, i'll express here...

See it if you want, ignore it if you wish...

What i said always have and always will stay true,

Up there^^.... under the title...

Always waiting, always here, always caring, always loving,

Eu-Gene...

On The Eve of The Malay New Year...

2010-09-01T18:36:00.002+08:00

On the 10th of September 2010,

My mum and sis would be going to Australia,

For the whole second week of our holiday.

I'll be at home alone as my father would most probably be working due to the holidays.

Which is good as i can study accordingly for my trials the following week.

Be it so however, i do not plan to spend the entire week as such.

I will go out, i will try to have other activities in my schedule.

I have already asked you and have been turned down.

Not that it surprises me anyway, you did everything exactly as i expected you to.

Well, thats all. Since won't be talking to you much already,

just wanted to let you know bout my status during holidays...

for what ever reason la...

Lots of Love

If Anything... I Just love You Even More...

2010-08-31T14:02:00.000+08:00

Half an hour ago...

I was thinking i had a lot of things to say...

Right now, sitting here staring at an empty blog post, i can't seem to find the words anymore.

Whatever words and bravery to say them has deserted me at the moment when it is supposed to be shown...

Because, when all the clutter and rubbish is removed and my head clears of all the feelings.

Only will I realize that what we've become is only my own doing...

My efforts, so far have all been done with the wrong intentions...

Thus, trying to win your heart and your love, has only pushed you even further away.

Every time i think about of about what i have done, embarrassment washes over me like a wave of steaming hot water...

How naive have i been...

But realizing this now, alas, has no more use for me...

What's done has already been done. No matter how much i try, it has already left a scar you will always remember...

Now, i have no idea what to say...

I'm sorry? I've done so many wrongs in the past, you would have dismissed an apology without a second thought...

I won't do it again? Maybe... Since we have nothing more between us as far as i can tell...

Everything else i nearly typed, i realized, are the exact things i would never want to say to you ever again... If i was going to change, might as well i start now.

What made me realize this, was your new haircut...

A guy generally likes girl's hair long? Absolute nonsense...

To my absolute surprise, i love your new hairstyle...

And because it made me realize, i love it even more..

I love you even more...

I've said this and failed both times...

But i have a new resolve, and i'm going to make this work this time...

I will make it a living from now to play the good guy...

I won't make you feel guilty, i won't hover, and i won't push.

It's my turn, to respect you and your wishes.

But that is not to say i will stop waiting for you.

I'll always be there, by the sidelines, silently supporting you, ready to be there,

Whenever i can..

Whenever you need...

Always...

Waiting for you...

Because, there is no other thing to do, no one else to wait for...

No one else, to take your place in my heart...

You do not believe it, but as we once talked about, if i say it enough,

you might one day will....

from the deepest depths of my heart,

I Love You, Xin...

Oh, For The Love of God!!!

2010-08-26T21:27:00.001+08:00

Girl, can you try and cheer up!!!

Yes, its true. Life's not as simple as i act it to be.

But try and see that it's also not that complicated and miserable as you act it to be...

Relax, unwind yourself. You know who you are, you know what you want to do.

I know you, you always do what you want to do... Don't stop now.

You might not feel it so, but it is.

Other people's opinion, especially those close to you matter. But at the end of it, its your life and your decision to make.

When it comes down to it, you won't be blaming any other person but yourself. So why not NOW, choose on your own, and do what you want.

The world's your playground. True, with little holes here and there, you might fall down now and then.

PICK YOURSELF UP AND GO AT IT AGAIN. ONE STEP AT A TIME. GO!!!

All rite?

Every time i say cheer up and be well to you, I know that it goes in the left ear and straight out the right. Try to stop awhile and realize the true meaning of these words.

Relax, as long as you tell yourself you want to be happy, you will be. Sounds ridiculous but it really is true. Try it...

K? Also know that you're always loved...

Treasure Them

2010-08-25T23:44:00.000+08:00

They are the ones who are there for you, whenever you need them...

No matter what, no matter when.

Everybody at least has one and they are vital in everybody's life...

However, treat your good friends for granted and you automatically dont deserve them and you forfeit them to another...

Put them in a lower place in your heart then a normal acquaintance, and don't expect them to keep popping up when you need them...

Always remember, friendships work both ways...

"Don't think what they can do for you, butalways think what you can do for them...."

Day and Night

2010-08-24T18:45:00.000+08:00

Every morning, we act like strangers to one another.

Every afternoon, i'll be missing you.

Every night, i'll dream of you

Every moment, i think of you...

I love you...

Regrets. When loving someone, never regret what you did, only what you didn't do....

2010-08-22T10:38:00.000+08:00

Such a special and powerful emotion it can be.

But not at all in a good way.

It is the opposite of happiness,

obviously...

It is different from anger,

Anger, at the least can be unleashed and released...

Regret however, feels like a dead thing, sitting on your chest,

suffocating you...

It differs from sadness,

as sadness can be changed by an unexpected event in the future.

Regret however, is due to an event of the past,

therefore unchangeable...

Personally, regret is an old friend...

One who greets me daily, at the most unexpected times.

Who gets me one i'm most down.

Who visits me when i'm lonely...

Out of my long lists of regrets,

one has been keeping me company this few days...

And that is that i would never be able to experience

the feeling of having a girlfriend i love and spending time with her, in my secondary school life...

Or more specifically, you....

Regret,

not being able to talk affectionately to you in school,

not being able to hold your hands in school,

not being able to walk beside you with that feeling that i am complete just being beside you,

not being able to flirt with you,

not being able to show off to all, my girlfriend whom i love and would be proud of,

and not being able to feel that you belong to me, as much as i already belong to you, with you...

Yes, regret is an old friend...

Who will keep me company when all others don't.

The Item That Is Yours, Though Never Used By You, But By Those Closest To You.

2010-08-16T19:44:00.000+08:00

My Dear, My Love, Princess, Angel, Heart of My Heart, My Lovely, Darling, Dar Dar, Honey

Names, Nicknames, Callings.

Though i know you have an intense dislike at me calling you these, I often wonder which of them do you use with your exes.

Haha. Now don't mad...I'm kindly and good heartedly just wondering. (Knowing no matter how much i wonder i wouldn't get the answers. Another one of your taboo subjects)

*Sigh*... Truthfully, i feel the nickname my friends gave you is quite unsuitable. I think i've always known this. I just accepted it because of my failure of finding a suitable 1 for you on my own...

But i do know this, as surely as You'll fall in love with another guy. The right nickname for you will come to me 1 day, though by then i might not have the privilege of talking to you anymore. the nickname i find even You will like it.

Love

True Love is Indescribable, and Yet It Is So Because There Is No Need For It To Be Otherwise

2010-08-13T23:08:00.001+08:00

I have long since lost count, of the things i wish i could do and share with you.

Everyday, my mind imagines new experiences that will never happen.

Everyday, my heart dreams new dreams that will never come true.

Everyday, I'm filled with different emotions as I walk home. Happy, to be able to forget everything and mainly you if I'm lucky for just an hour or so and drift away in my bed, hugging my pillow. Sad, because even if i go home to a house with company, it is not the one i yearn for and it will never be.

This, I know because maybe, finally, your message has made it through my extremely thick and dense skull. I'm just not right for you.

No matter how much i wish to deny it, what you said has struck true. What you want, I cannot give. What I want, you cannot bring yourself to give.

It is just not in our personalities to give it and give in.

Everyday, you seem to drift further away from me. Becoming much closer to other guys. It may not be true, but to the eyes of a jealous one. My prediction seems to be coming true.

Later, we will spend an entire day in each others radius, maybe even in each others minds, and yet i know. We will act as if we have never laid eyes upon each other before. As is what we do.

Now, for the punch line. As pessimistic as i may have sounded for the above. My feeling while writing this entire post, is the same with my feelings for the last 4 years now... I didn't realize how long it has been.

Maybe, i have given up. My heart feels battered, and my soul is weary. But still, it pulses with love. For you...

I spill my heart out here, because i cannot say this to you. Fearing of your reaction. Though a little in my head, i hope you stumble across this blog 1 day. And realize my sincerity and feelings. Even more so, i hope you accept them.

I Love You

The Beginning of The End, The End of The Beginning

2010-08-13T22:52:00.000+08:00